We are obsessed with looks. Sounds lame but it is deeply ingrained in us... from fairy tales (remember mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?) to newsprint on how Aishwarya looks after delivering a baby. Looks matter. Good and/or bad. Case in point how the entire nation is deriving sadistic pleasure out of the former beauty queen's weight gain. From Dhoom 2 to Baby 1. The perfect plastic beauty is human like the rest of us. Huh!
"You have gained/lost weight" or "You still look the same" is how you are greeted all the time. Health and fitness are always additional benefits of a balanced diet and exercise regimen, not the primary reason. Fashion, cosmetics, fairness products, hair color, slimming centers, laser corrective surgery add up to most of what you see around you - newspapers, magazines, TV or billboards.
So it came as no surprise, when I got connected on chat with a batch mate whom I had not seen since we passed out (and probably the only person from my institute who is not on facebook), that the first thing we asked each other was pertaining to looks. Not health. Not family. Not career. Not life after passing out. He asked me if I had put on weight and I countered that by asking him whether he was sporting grey hair. Moments later we burst out laughing, represented by laughing smileys exchanged on chat, at how ridiculous it was. We did go on to talk about other things and promised to stay in touch, but not before we checked each others pictures on chatter and made horrendous comments that only old pals can make and get away with.
Since we work for the same organization we get to chat often, being constantly logged on to communicator. A lot of our conversations are about Bangalore since he is a Bangalorean settled in the US. He gets nostalgic and I lap up all the info about this city that is fast growing upon me. He also says a lot of things that I don't get to hear from many people, partly because he is honest and blunt, and also because being on chat saves him from getting beaten up, no matter how nasty he gets. He knows he can get away with it, though he does miss the occasional whack on the back I used to deliver while we were at the institute. During one such chat conversation when I said for the millionth time that I was well settled in Bangalore, he asked me if I was being my 'social butterfly' self again. Social butterfly? Me? Really?
This was a little ironic, cause earlier on the same day another friend of mine had delivered a long boring lecture on how I should go out more often, socialize, make new friends and some boyfriends too. I was wasting single-hood, I had been told. Sometime earlier a friend was being sarcastic on facebook about my endless excuses why I couldn't meet. And another friend who called from Delhi to check for the 20th time if I would be coming over any time soon so that we could meet before he leaves for an assignment in UK for a couple of months said I was always so elusive.
The same person - me. And such diametric perceptions! I have been told I have a nutcase sense of humor and would most likely die in a fit of laughter than of a heart attack in a fit of rage. I have also been told that it takes humongous effort to make me smile and I do that only when Jupiter transits Gemini. Who we think we are and how we are perceived differs. Who I think I am has changed over time and with situations. How I am perceived to be is also so different for all those who have bothered to create a perception. So how many Sushmitas are there in all?
The answer to "Who am I?" is not easy to find. The virtues are easy to list out. The dark side of us, is something that we like everyone to believe including ourselves, doesn't exist. Mean, indifferent, dishonest, jealous, evil, immoral, cheat are what others are. We like to explore likes and dislikes and believe we are defined by them. Any deeper than that and it tends to get dark and murky. So we don't go there at all. I am someone who likes the color green, mughlai food, Rahat/Shafqat's songs and watching cricket. That sounds safe. Yeah.. People... that's who I am.
It has been said often enough that life is actually a journey about discovering your own self. Religion and spirituality is about finding yourself through God... or that we are merely manifestations of the supreme being. Nothing more. Nothing less. Who we are and the differences between all of us is because of the grip of 'Maya'. Science says the answers are in our genetic structure. Now that is a better and novel excuse I would say. God and religion are archaic anyway for most purposes.
Who I am doesn't mean much. We are so insignificant in the larger picture anyway. It doesn't matter how many versions of Sushmita exist today.. how similar or different the perceptions are.. or how good or bad I think I am. We are, who we are.. and that discovery makes sense only if it translates into sensible actions or restraint at the right moment. And I am no where close to sensible actions and exercising restraint. 'Who I am' is not where we should stop. Who we develop into is more important. It gives meaning and direction to life. I like George Bernard Shaw's thought -
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
Happy creating!
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